Fashion Accessory or Social Handicapper?
Posted on 22nd April 2008 by antuan goodwin
When I go out, I spend a lot of time making observations about people, so that I can share with you, our loyal readers.
Last weekend, while nodding my head to the music, I had one such revelation.
I am a firm believer that there are two kinds of people in every nightclub that I’ve ever found myself in. There are people who go to be seen and those who go to be met. Now there are many tell-tale signs of what type a given person is, but in my humble opinion, the most obvious indicator is the act of wearing sunglasses indoors at night.
Allow me to explain… Beside the obvious impairing of vision and generally looking like a douche-nozzle (because no one truly needs sunglasses in a dark-ass club), more subtly the be-speckled club-goer denies him/herself of the all important, yet oft overlooked eye contact.
Why is eye contact important?
I never speak to anyone in a social setting wearing sunglasses indoors and/or at night. But I’m not alone. In my observations, those ‘too cool to see good’ types often spend a lot of time either standing around looking cool but alone or being rejected by the women they choose to approach. (Yeah, I know. I go to the club to watch people and that’s a little lame. But I’m doing it for YOU, loyal readers, so listen up!)
Eye contact is the way we connect with those around us and is the crucial first step to interaction. It’s how we communicate our intentions non-verbally. When you go into an interview, you go in with a strong handshake and good eye contact. My father always told me to look someone in the eye when they’re talking to you. We’ve all been told this. Eye contact is key to any successful social interaction.
The interesting thing is that people don’t really need to be told these things. We’re hardwired to use eye contact to communicate. The subtle interactions that denote social ranking, sexual intent and content of character take place in subconsciously and instantaneously. Have you ever met someone and known almost instantly that he/she was not to be trusted? Have you ever ran into a friend and immediately known that something was wrong? Have you ever experienced love at first sight? Chances are that eye contact you had with these people is what triggered these feelings and you may not have even known it.
So why would someone go out of their way to nullify this most excellent tool for social interaction?
Reason #1: Unaware
The answer to that question is, at first glance, pretty simple. (Pun intended) You see, like most things that happen unconsciously, we tend to take eye contact for granted. We attribute the knowledge that we gain from observing eye contact and other, less subtle forms of body language, as feelings or hunches. In a classic case of putting the horse before the cart, we fail to see that the emotional response is caused by the body language and not vice versa. I believe that this is most often the case, that 90% of people are just unaware of how powerful of an indicator and a tool eye contact and body language can be.
Here’s an example for the fellas. If you’re getting tired of being rejected by the random women you approach in bars and clubs, try qualifying potentials with eye contact first. Don’t try to hypnotize her or anything, just make casual eye contact and smile. If the girl responds favorably to your eye contact when you’re 10 feet away, then you can be reasonably sure that when you approach her to speak she’ll be willing to listen. If she’s giving you the stink eye at this point, don’t even bother talking to her. This isn’t 100% foolproof, but try it for a week and I guarantee you that the odds will increase in your favor.
Reason #2: Self Conscious / False Confidence
While you’re gaining all of this insight from making eye contact with people, they’re gaining the same insight about you. Making eye contact exposes you and (in some ways) makes you vulnerable to those around you. A person who is feeling self conscious will avert his/her eyes from direct contact because subconsciously they feel they are unworthy. This is where the social ranking aspects of eye contact come into play.
On that same tangent, a person who is feeling self conscious may hide his/her eyes completely (with sunglasses or a low brimmed hat) to avoid having to make eye contact while still giving the appearance of bravado. Yeah, that person looks confident and stoic, but that’s just because you can’t see them and they’re gaining a sense of security from the fact that they’re protected from you. This isn’t the way gain esteem because it’s not a self confidence, it’s false confidence.
If you really want to feel better about yourself, look people in the eye. Place yourself on their level and promote yourself socially. My mother always said that if you want to succeed you have to be as professional as your boss’s boss. The same thing goes for social ranking.
I think I’ve hit on a few good points today that I’ve been meaning to mention for some time now. These are my opinions, but they’re backed up by a well established body of research done by others who have taught me. Just google ‘eye contact mastery’ or ‘NLP’ and you’ll find a ton more information about this subject that I may or may not revisit in the future. At this point, though, it’s in your hands. Agree or disagree, I’d like to hear your opinions, success stories, counter-points, etc.
